Enby BC - 10 - Equilibrium
Being diagnosed with cancer means my brain is constantly on.
Every pain in my body, every change, is instantly noted and constantly felt. Every action and consideration I have for my future is linked to my cancer treatments, tests, and newfound general anxieties of existence with cancer. I think about weakening. I think about dying. I think about the changes I have to make to survive, and I grieve. These thoughts and feelings are what I contend with daily amongst my routines and expectations, which means that simple aspects of my life have become quite challenging to uphold.
I find my tolerance for change and failure quite low now. If an appointment is changed or cancelled, if plans fall through, if I miss what I perceive as a benchmark of success in my day — my day is easily ruined. I am trying to give myself the grace to feel upset and tired about these things, but its a very frustrating a debilitating thing to contend with.
Getting past the standard greeting of “how are you?” is a difficult task for me now. I find myself struggling to communicate the nuance of my state in a succinct sentence to a question that demands a casual (and often standard) response. These feelings are also something I do not wish to revisit constantly in my many check-ins and conversations with the many lovely people in my life. So if you are reading this and I’ve left you unanswered I’m sorry about this. Please understand I am protecting myself in this very emotionally exhausting and vunerable time. Don’t be afraid to give me a poke and remind me of your message.
If you want to know how I am right now. I am tired. I am grieving. I am fearful. I am angry. I feel alone in my experiences with cancer. But I am managing. And sometimes life is okay, even good. but it’s been weighing on me a lot.
WHAT’S NEXT
Bone Scan. CT Scan.
Oncology Psychologist session
First Chemotherapy Session - January 11th
What I need right now, from most involved to least involved:
Donate to my gofundme
Thank you to all who have donated. I hold a lot of gratitude in my heart for this.
Compassion and patience.
Send positive energy: cast a spell, send a prayer, perform a ritual. Have me and my partner in your thoughts
