Enby BC - 15 - Closure
Closure?
There is no closure to having cancer. The bell is a gesture of hope, a bookend to treatment. But it is not the end. And for me, I still have more treatment. The bell is only to signify the end of active treatment (chemo/rads) in my journey.
I still have at least a decade of endocrine therapy, aka a monthly shot and two daily pills. Treatment that keeps me in menopause and removes all of my estrogen. There is more estrogen to a body than just ovaries. I don’t want to get into it, I hate talking about it. If you care about me I urge you to do you own research about endocrine therapy. But essentially I will be chronically ill due to this treatment. An unnatural menopause and a slew of other side effects from the medication itself. And of course dysphoria stemming from all of it.
My cancer will be kept at bay and hopefully starved out after this decade of treatment. And yet people understand the bell as being ‘done’, sometimes being cured. Far from it. It’s very frustrating. I don’t get to turn off because I got to do a nice gesture for myself. I have at least ten more years of treatment and a lifetime of feeling unease at the prospect of recurrence and the medical trauma I’ve been gifted. There an indefinite timeline of side effects that will remain from all of my treatments. The joys of being a young cancer-haver is that there is plenty of time for it to rear its head again. Nothing is guaranteed.
I try not to complain too often about this whole thing. But by not doing so I think people can’t truly appreciate the weight and depth of what this diagnosis has done to me and continues to do. But it’s heavy. I’m so happy to be done with chemo and rads, while concurrently horrified and defeated at the prospect of giving what feel like my remaining ‘good years’ and my life’s path to more life-altering treatments. I will rip out my short but mighty regrowth of hair if I hear anyone else tell me I’m done.
That all being said, I am going to try my best to enjoy the health I have, and savour the life I still live. It’s never done with cancer. Not until you die. But life isn’t over either. So I will keep living.
Enby Breast Cancer is at CIFF!
So exciting! The short student documentary by Ally Ferris featuring me discussing my experience and my first public appearance post-mastectomy in my drag persona Mx Jendr made it into the Calgary International Film Festival. It’s touching and also weird to watch it having experienced chemo and radiation. Check it out here!
Also my wife scored the soundtrack!
WHAT’S NEXT
Canada-wide VACATION!!! Sept 22 - Oct 14
What I need right now, from most involved to least involved:
Donate to my gofundme
Thank you to all who have donated. I hold a lot of gratitude in my heart for this.
Send positive energy: cast a spell, send a prayer, perform a ritual. Have me and my partner in your thoughts
